What If?

I woke up lonely this morning.  That's the only word that fits.  Lonely, but with no idea what I was lonely for.  Not alone, not sad, not upset - just lonely - and out of sorts.  And it stayed with me all day, making me want to wrap in "something" to soothe the feeling.  And in an odd irony, I distanced myself, noticeably, from everyone in my day.  Nothing seems to be the right fit to fill the void.

I don't know what I dislike more, the void, or not being able to recognize the void.

~~

I thought a lot about this.  I sat, I stewed, I searched.  It took me back to forty five minutes of time last night.  Forty five minutes of "not yet"s.  My little girl crawled into bed with me, and laid so close to me it was like she was wearing me over her skin.  It was so quiet, and we talked in almost whispers, with the soft glow of my salt lamp filling my room.  We played "what if", one of our very favorite things to do.  "If you had to choose one food to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?  What if you could spend a day with a celebrity, who would it be?"  I don't know who fought more of her returning to her own bed, her - or me.  I kept whispering "not yet" in my soul, she said it out loud.  Five more minutes, three more minutes...not yet.

I am grateful for "What If".

~~

And so, in a life so blessed, where my family surrounds me, and my friends are close and treasured, why would I feel lonely...is it lonely?  What is it that is out of sorts, so to speak?  Have I just been missing my feet on the Earth and my face in the Sun?  Did I miss a conversation with the Moon?  Have I been true to myself in what I need?  Is it possible to be lonely for emotion? For tears?  For insatiable passion, and exhausting laughter?  Is it possible to be lonely for a place?  For mountain air, and clean streams, and open water?

There is some exploration to be done, and I am grateful for the recognition of that, and the willingness to do the work.

~~

What if you could change one moment in your time?  Would you?

If you had to choose to live as an animal, what would it be?  What about insect?

If you could spend some days in a place just to yourself, where would you go?

If you could change something about yourself, what would you change? Anything?

What if... what if... what if... if...if...  What is.  I am.