It's an interesting thing - self preservation, I mean. The whole purpose is to keep one's self from harm, and in the innate action of it all, this overwhelming feeling of guilt ensues. It's a tough battle, so many years in the learning.
There's a place part of my soul resides. It's a place that is shut out from everyone else. It's a place where no one gets in. It's a place of self preservation, and for learning how to get there, I am grateful.
Many people don't understand it - how I could get to a place to where no else can get in - where I can't take care of anyone else but myself -even of it's just for a few seconds, or minutes, or moments...or memories. It's a place that is learned. It is a place of no expectation, of no hurt. It's a place of love, and respect, and a place where no one can take any part of me away. It's a selfish place - where I don't take care of anyone, and I don't fix things I didn't break. And in not doing, I have learned self preservation.
Many a time I have given so much of myself in a battle, or in fixing, or in caring, coddling, supporting, healing...that there was almost nothing of myself left. And on that path, I found a lesson. I am not here to save anyone else's world. I am here to enjoy my own. And so, I have learned self preservation, I have learned to "take off the cape", although it's never easy.
I can "have the wolf by the ears" and I know I can't hold it. I know I cannot safely let it go. But I can stare it in the eye, and feel it's plight mixed with it's power, and in a moment, know we are in the same place. Self Preservation. Grateful.
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