Sunday Hiatus

So with all the power pieces of my lap top fried, and waiting on snail mail to deliver new ones, I am unbloggable.  I have decided blogging from my phone is not conducive to bringing forth gratitude.  It is conducive to bringing forth cursing, however.  That said, I took a Sunday Hiatus from my posts. I don't know if anyone really noticed, or cared for that matter.  But I missed it.

I barely slept last night.  I had one of those Sunday-night-can't sleep-and-even-if-I-could-no-one-or-no-thing- was-going-to-let-me kind of nights.  I woke up from one of the half hour stints of sleeps this morning feeling dark and twisty - despite the sun lighting up the day.

I suppose my whole point is that today is a day to cultivate gratitude; to shove aside the dark and twisty, and stop for a moment to bask in a sunbeam, and listen to the birds announcing the spring day that lies ahead, and all of it's potential.  It is a day to seek things that bring happiness, that break out smiles and laughter.

Here's to the day ahead, my friends.  Go out there and cultivate.

With Gratitude.

A Perilous Journey

http://vimeo.com/39901726

 The Perilous Journey of Becoming Someone


So very true...Grateful for poignant projects that stir realizations.

Well done Nic Askew.

April Showers

If April showers do indeed bring May flowers, then I will be grateful for the rain.

But this snow... for crying out loud...

One Word Wednesday

It's official... the cord on my laptop is no longer safe to wiggle-to-make-it work.  :(

It pops and sparks... I have now unplugged it to prevent a house fire - because I love my house more than my lap top.  I have ordered a new one - grateful for Ebay and ten dollar lap top cords.  

Until then, I will try to get my post done when I can.  When I have a break in my day.  I have one right now.  

I have been tossing around some ideas for my blog, and I am thinking I might change my post one day a week to be wordless.  Just a picture - worth a thousand words. But sometimes, it can be said best when there is nothing said at all.  It's sourcing gratitude through visual appreciation.  Or maybe with just one word with the picture... it is, in fact, hard for me to stay silent.  Maybe One Word Wednesdays?  Silent Saturdays?  

I think so... 

Let's try it... (yeah, I know - there's more than one word here...it's an experiment!)

Musing

Five Foot Chicken

You know sometimes...when you just become so full of emotion and things to deal with, and laughter starts this chain of healing... and when it does, it brings more smiles, and more laughter.  The more I heal inside of me, the more joy appears.

Today, I came across some reading, that not only made me laugh until I was crying, but I was able to share it and laughter filled one room after another.

I am grateful for the sound of laughter, and the relief.

And I am so grateful for this damn chicken.

And for needing my own. 

Go ahead, read this.  Laugh until you can't breathe.  And then, when you think you can't take anymore, read about Copernicus, and I dare you not you laugh. 

Five foot chicken...you will be mine...

Dreams. Lingering Peace.

I find dreams very fascinating.  I would love to understand the science of them more.  I would love to know how the brain comes up with what it does on  nightly basis.

I woke up from a dream last night, and talked myself out of the emotion of it.  There was a frail woman in my basement.  She was dying.  Her name was Pat.  She knew she was dying, she didn't want to be alone.  She collapsed on the floor and started crying "it's time for me to go...don't let me do it alone".  She made me call another woman in the room to join us.  She was calling her by name, "Sherri, come quickly!  It's time."  'Sherri' came (a face I know in real life by another name), and I picked the woman up like a child and laid her in the bed.  Sherri was carrying a child's book - Peter Cottontail.  She threw it to the floor as Pat called her.  We were all surrounding her in her bed when she said "there's children singing", and she started gently singing the Whoville theme of Christmas, "wahoo, wahoo, wahoo, wahoo...welcome Christmas, Christmas day...'  She took her last breath, and she was gone.  

Odd.  I woke up full of emotion; full of fear for death, and sadness for Pat, the joy for children's voices that brought peace.  It took me a bit to be able to go back to sleep.   And when I awoke again, I was filled with this feeling of self satisfaction, of gentleness, and a sense of being that often escapes me, and I was so grateful for the feeling.  

I am also grateful for the wonder and awe of dreams.  I love analyzing them, and turning them inside out trying to understand them. I am also grateful for a complex mind, full of riddles and puzzles.  It occupies my mind, in times of need, so I care less about things that, well, quite frankly, just don't matter so much.  And for the lack of caring, sometimes, I am just as grateful.

Country. Muppets. Burlap.

Seventeen years.  Gone.  Just like the breeze on this very warm spring day.

Wide eyes, open arms.  Hugs where souls return to each other.

Long talk - in the Self Help and Well Being.

Stir fried laughter...tears...breathless elation.

Fortunes.  Decision makers.  Maybes.

Words of the day: Country.  Muppets.  Burlap.

Seventeen years will never be seventeen years again.  My soul couldn't take it.

Gratitude overwhelms me.

  Shelly has our picture of our day together - because once again, I forgot my camera.  So these souvenirs of our time in the bookstore will have to do for now.  

p.s. I am grateful for beautiful books. 

love, love, love.

I got to steal it from Shelly's Blog Post tonight. 

Spring Sun

Ohhhhhhh the sunshine.  Thank God for the sunshine.

I am grateful for the warm rays that heat the Earth and ease the chill.  I am grateful for the hours outside in the day.  The vitamin D my body replenished, the time where all the shadows just...fell behind.  For a good day in the sun, I am grateful.

All That, And A Bottle Of Wine

This has been a frustrating day.  One filled with cussing and ranting, and a little more temper than I normally let through.

It's days like this when it's harder to blog.  I tend to come out with phrases like "grateful, my ass"... and "gratitude this!"

Frankly it's not pretty.

The wind blew in a mini thunder storm...one crack of lightening, one rumble of thunder... and then it was gone, leaving the wind blowing around what was left over.

I laid on the couch, and pouted at my stupid day and all of it's facets.  Tonight, I will be grateful for the couch I sit on, the blanket that I am curled up in, and the quiet room that I have been left alone in.

Tomorrow is another day, and it will be a good one...even it takes a bottle of wine...

Footprints In The Sands Of Time

I bought a pair of these once for a special friend of mine.  That friendship, I think at times, kept me alive inside when it was dark and twisty.  I am grateful I had her then.  I still miss her terribly in dark and twisty days.

I remember her face when she opened the box.  I remember how much she loved them, and how happy it made me to see her smile.

I later bought a pair for myself.

I think they might be my favorites.

Maybe it's because they are pretty, and they fit just right once they are on.  Maybe it's every story, for every scuff on the toes, or why I won't polish them.  Maybe it's the stars that are hidden by jeans - but I know they are there. 

Every time I look at them, I remember her dancing.  I remember the nights we used to stumble around together.  I remember the laughter.  I remember "uh oh..she's got her boots on..." 

Maybe...they are my favorites for what I miss so much.  

"If you want to leave foot prints in the sands of time, make sure you are wearing your boots".

And we did. 

And I am grateful. 

Retreat

I started looking up "women's retreats" online tonight.  Somewhere to go, to meditate, to journal, to feel a sense of grounding.

I was looking for a place...to hold the Earth.

I found plenty.  Beautiful places, offering wonderful guided meditations, some even spa treatments.  They promise hikes, and places of peace.

They also come with a pretty hefty price tag.  The most inexpensive one I could find was four hundred and ninety five dollars.  Too many of them were hosted by this pastor, or that pastor, and some even suggested one "pack their bible".  Ummmmm. No.  I don't think anyone by any pastor's name wants to see my bible...

Here's the thing.  I don't need to leave to find quiet.  I can find quiet right in my home.  I don't need to flee to a retreat for a massage.  I can have that within a ten minute drive.  Heck, if I wanted, I could toss in a pedicure.  (and in a small town, I can get both for roughly $100.00).  I can meditate in space that is my own, and maybe, if I cross the line of bravery, I could journal it.  (Today's secret - I have a journal by my bedside.  It's blank.  I can't bring myself to write down those intimate thoughts where someone might actually read them.  They are safer in my head.)

I have what I need right here. I have, here within my reach, exactly what I need to hold the Earth.

Grateful.

And so I will.

...and when I win the lottery... I will retreat here. 

Soul Work and Lessons

Another three hours of driving time to myself, and I have come to the stark realization that I have some inner soul work to do.  I am grateful for the realization, and the willingness to give it the attention it deserves - even if it turns out to be a humbling experience - which I am confident it will.

It's not the first time I have mentioned it, but it's the voice in my head that just gets stronger.  It's not going away.  It just gets louder and louder.  I am really grateful for the realizations that make me want to be a better person.

One of the lessons I have set out for myself is a doozie.  I have noticed, despite my dislike for the character trait, I am extremely needy for acknowledgement.  I like to be recognized for a job well done, and I do expect "thank you"s and recognition when it is deserved.  It is this expectation that I need to change.  I have decided that my own self satisfaction needs to be enough for me.  Expecting more from others has just lead to disappointment.

Lesson two... I have become oddly self aware of being able to turn a conversation so it relates to an experience of my own.  This, with time and place, isn't always detrimental, however, in my soul work, I would like to be able to just listen to someone else's story without adding any factor of my own life.  I have a feeling it's related to the a fore mentioned lesson.  It's not always all about me...

Thirdly, I have to try to take down some defensive walls that have taken years to put up.  These walls are solid in their foundation, so I fear it's going to take a wrecking ball for the demolition.  I love to be held, and to be cuddled, and to be touched, yet, often lately, I will be the first to break away from an embrace, or move away from a touch.  I am putting distance in between my soul and others.  Hmmmm....

This is the start.  And for everything there is a time.

This is my time, not to start, but to continue down a path of healing.  It will include self realization lessons like these three, and the release of secrets like yesterday's.  It is the apologies that are finally allowing themselves to be said.  It's the humbling moments that should have happened a long time ago.  (See! I told you this wasn't the first post that mentioned the need for soul work)

And along the way, I will learn, I will let go, and I will grow - and for all of it, I will be grateful.

Love and Peace, and a little Quiet too...

Strangers That Inspire Me

All I have really wanted to do since my feet hit the ground today is sit and read, and write.  I had no desire to go to "work". Alas, real life reared it's ugly head.  Instead of writing, I went to work, I took kids to school, I dealt with a mini-crisis of forgetting all about Music Festival and trying to find a god-forsaken dress in the mess of my girlie's Tom Boy closet.  Dress....yeah, right.

My calendar is full with "stuff" this week and next week, and all the while, my brain is nagging at me to just sit down and write.  There are so may things floating in my head.  So many, in fact, that I wouldn't be at all surprised if I ended with more than the normal quota of blogs today.

I took a minute to sit and read this morning, despite all the raucous in my head.  I am grateful I did.  In my reading this morning, I came across some wonderful things.  Some of these things changed my perspective this morning, and I will share them with you, as I feel they are pay it forward kind of treasures. All of these were gifts from strangers this morning.  They don't even know how they affected me, and it got me thinking some more.  How many people read this blog that I have never met?  Would anyone leave a comment when their heart has been touched?  I did, this morning, and in fact last week, as well, on a blog that I find truly inspiring and lovely.   

1. TED talk by Frank Warren from PostSecret.  It welled tears in my eyes, and I didn't even stop them from falling. I thought about all the secrets welling up in my soul that I have kept for so long.  I thought about how healing it would be to share them, and again, I wondered if just the right person reads this blog.  
                              *Thank you, Jennifer (yes, another brilliant Jennifer) forUnder the Big Blue Sky. It has become a daily read of mine that warms my heart.  One day, I hope you will know you inspire me. 


2.  A Honey Beer Bread recipe and a connection to another stranger, longing to feel the Earth breaking in my hands, and realizing the importance of paying attention to one's self.  I need to make this bread.  


3.  A realization that while I grumbled about missing tights, and dresses, and messy closets, a beautiful human out in the world somewhere that I have never met is dealing with an unimaginable heartache and loss.  


4.  I read a phrase that I now treasure.  "I have learned what I want to be when I grow up".  Now I just need to figure out how to get there.  It's much easier said than done. 


I am grateful for strangers that inspire me, for people brave enough to post what they need to write, and for letting the world in on their thoughts.  I am going to work on releasing some secrets today, and I will be grateful when my shoulders feel less heavy.  




Some secrets...are for letting go.  Maybe gratitude for the release will fill the space. 


Although I have said "regrets are people for who didn't learn", I secretly wish we were allowed a certain number of do-overs in life so I could take back some of the hurt I have caused.  

All of this because of people I have never met.  Just everyday, ordinary people, on their path, that crossed with mine.  

 

Spinning With A Pin In My Hand

There's this stirring inside me (despite the exhaustion of cheer hangover today).  It's like an anticipation?  An anxiety? Curiosity?  I don't really know how to describe it, and I can't really put my finger on it.

Something is just not sitting right with the Universe, yet, I feel it correcting itself - if that makes any sense at all.  I can feel the churning and my soul working at the realization.  I am grateful for my trust in what should be, and what will be, despite anyone else's say so.

It's like an odd game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey, where the blind fold is on, and there is spinning and spinning and trying to put your finger on what you think the goal is, just to take off the blinder to find yourself reaching out to it's heart.

All Star Cheer

Spring snow storm...anxious cheerleaders. 

Looooooooooooooooooong day at the All Star Cheer Event.  Sold out crowds.

Third place in their division. Pretty great for first year cheerleaders. 

Pizza celebration.

Hot shower, hair glue removal, make up removal. 

Exhausted smile.  

Grateful. 

Being Heard

I came across a really beautiful blog today.  Actually, I came across a couple of them.  There seems to be a common thread in the ones I enjoy reading: it's real feeling, and the blog is an outlet.

I know I am eternally grateful for this one.  My own therapy.  A sense of someone listening when there seems to be no one else.  And when I sit for a few minutes, and read a post, feeling a sense of being and relating to someone else, I think, maybe, someone out there is grateful for me throwing my thoughts and feelings out there too.

Sometimes, it seems no one listens... but in fact, there are people who hear me.

Just Plain Good

I had a tolerable day, and grateful for some good laughs.  "Tequila!"

I had a nice evening, grateful for Grey's.  It's still my favorite after all these years. 

I laughed like crazy tonight.  I am grateful for my daughter's ridiculous humor. 

I barely needed to help with math.  I am grateful for my son's confidence. 

I crawled across the floor, and kissed my husband's face.  I am grateful for love. 

Spring is bursting forward.  Just plain good. Just plain grateful. 

Heavy Eyelids, Noisy Day

Mindless reading. 

Quiet time.

Warm bed.

I am about to be grateful for the next hour (or half hour depending how long my eyelids hold out).  

Gosh I love my bed, I love bed time, and I am grateful for the quiet.  I am grateful for the comfort.  

Momma's Day

She says she wasn't going to celebrate her birthday this year... but I told her she was being ridiculous.  Today is my momma's birthday.  And I am celebrating with her, not for her, and that makes all the difference.  I have my mom, in the same town, just a phone call away.  I can see her pretty much whenever I want.  I am a lucky, lucky girl.

My mom is the one person who can understand me when I am crying uncontrollably, console my heart, be stern enough to get me off the floor, and laugh with me when sleep deprivation sets in.  I can lay in her lap and she will still run her fingers through my hair if that's what I need that day.

My momma has been the best example of what kind of mother I want to be, and I am so grateful for her.  Without my momma, I would be lonely... I would be a different person today without her in my life, and today is her day!

I will chef up a dinner and shower her with love, and pray she taught me well enough to be as good a mother as she still is today.

Twenty Minutes Of Wasted Time

Ohhhhh I had a good blog ready for today.  It was going to be all about siblings... But it shall have to wait.

My day was less than wonderful.  It was moody, over thought, anxious, and irritable.

Sounds fun, hey?

Well today, my point of gratitude is for those who make days like today tolerable.  They are the light under the door in the dark room, the voice that coaxes us out from under the bed.  They are the smiles, the reasonable thought, and the listening ears. I am grateful for my twenty minutes (or thirty, forty, or sixty) of wasted time for good conversation, stories and realizations. (Not really wasted time at all...)

For my tolerable day, for Natalie, I am grateful.

Bunny Ears

It's Easter Sunday, and how could I not have gratitude... for chocolate bunny ears.

Oh come on... you really didn't think I was go religious did you?

Foggy

It tends to happen that full moons roll around, and it's like someone put my emotions in the kitchen ninja.  My brain becomes over full, I tend to over think everything.  I even have a hard time writing.

Tonight, I have been sitting here, staring at a blank screen for over an hour - with a thousand thoughts floating around me, and no blinders in sight to narrow down my thoughts.  I have said before, it's not like I have no gratitude in my day, it's just that on days like today, it's like trying to find a cloud's silver lining in the fog.

Here's the thing... I feel like I miss someone, but I'm not really sure I do.  But if I do, who? Or do I know?  I feel like I am missing the point, but I have no idea what the conversation is.  I have reminders of things I didn't know I forgot, and I have messages I read that were left when I was completely available.  No, none of it makes sense.  Understand?

Foggy.

It's funny the voices that come out through the fog, and hold promise of a clear sky.  They don't even know what they said, but I am grateful that I heard.

(photo by Harold Davis)

Clear like fog, right?  I know all about it.  Or do I?

Drive Time

It's late, again.  I am up, celebrating the full moon, and what a wondrous day it's been.  I can tell you all what you are expecting for tonight's gratitude.  You are expecting me to be grateful for new hair days, and a day that I spent with some very special girls, and the time to do a little shopping...

I am.

But...

I drove today, an hour and a half to my destination, an hour and a half home.  Alone.  Alone with my thoughts.  I find the time alone, inside of my own head fascinating.  I feel my emotions with the sonorous vibe emanating out of my skin.  I can hear my own emotions... And I take comfort in there being no one there to judge me, or what I feel, or what I think.  I am grateful for time alone, with my thoughts.

It's almost like being in another world.  Sometimes, it's like being in a world I am not otherwise allowed to be in.  Sometimes.

Just a thought.

Anticipation

It's late...again. Tomorrow is a "me" day.

Today was... full.  And I am a little bit out of sorts with anticipation of a full moon.

I am grateful for the end of the day, and for the anticipation of tomorrow.

Saved My Hide

Only one thing today gets put on the gratitude pedestal... and that is the woman who saved my butt today.

There is something to be said for those people who have known me long enough to know when I am bordering panic, and when something is wrong.  So, today, for pharmy J, I am grateful.  I am grateful for her knowing me well enough, and for being brilliant enough in her ability to know what I needed.

She put her ass on the line to save mine.  And I am grateful.

...and so are my lungs.

I Push Back

Today, someone tried to push me.

I pushed back.  And yes, I am grateful. 

When you have integrity, nothing else matters.  When you do not have integrity, nothing else matters.

Not Even Closetiest

A long, long time ago, I started a game with my kids.  We call it "I love you more".

It used to go like this... "I love you more than my dirty socks."  "Yeah, well I love you more than rotten apples."  "Yes, but I love you more than dad's dirty underwear."  Clearly the grossest one won.  It was fun, and light hearted and always brought out smiles and love.  

Years have passed, and we have never stopped playing I love you more.  But it has evolved into this loving game... I need it like a body needs water.  

Now it sounds like this..."I love you more than the moon."  "I love you more than chocolate."  "I love you more than I love anything else in the whole world".  The more over the top, the better... It's a nightly bedtime routine with my girlie for sure.  

Every night, I tuck her into bed, and she says, "I love you".

"I love you more" I reply. 

"I love you mostiest."

"Not even closetiest..."

I always win.  Cuz I'm the mom, and there is no greater love.  Not even closetiest.  

Sunday's Sentence

My day was filled with moments that made me smile and filled me with gratitude.

Waking up to way too much snow for a spring morning, and taking the time to build a snow man to spite it all.

Splashing through slush puddles, covering the truck and any other vehicle we passed with muddy, slushy water, and laughing hysterically. 

Cooking a meal that ends with fingers wiping pans for just one more taste. 

And yet... one more moment stands out.  One sentence even.  One sentence among the regular routine of every other Sunday.  Before going for groceries, I asked hubs if he needed anything.  He kissed my hand and said "just for you to come home to me".  It lingers like a whisper in my ear, and fills me with love.  After five years, it still gives me butterflies.  And I am grateful.