I am down to the wire. Six posts left, after this one, five. I have been looking back a lot lately. Not just at these past 359 posts, but on years, and reflecting on what I have been through, what I have learned, and where I want my life to go - what I want it to be.
Someone recently said to me "perhaps the lost one is now found". The thing is, I feel like I've "been found" for a while now, but I've been changing my path to suit my surroundings, keeping myself from living in the "found", rambling around trying to let someone rescue me... and that's not me.
And so, here I stand, once again, at this cross roads, looking at the paths before me. One of them is no longer the path less taken. It's been walked. It's been paced...and trampled down. It's beaten and worn.
There are several others in front of me if I look beyond the fear. Some familiar, some look like home. Some edgy and dark, some new and untraveled. And here I stand at the cross roads.
My posts have been sporadic of late. I have been struggling with the gratitude, and putting it out there. What I have seen myself write is contradicting with my head, and my scarred heart screaming something else again. It's like feeling too much, and not knowing anymore how much longer I can last. I'm putting up walls to hold back tears. I'm running out of emotion instead of running out on emotion. It's no longer running away, it's choosing a direction and fighting head strong into the wind.
I am left unsure today of who wants to be part of my journey. I am not certain of anything this morning. I am standing at my crossroads very much alone, trying to find a way, listening to not much more than silence. I am grateful for my own strength, knowing one of the paths ahead is filled with pain and hurt and broken pieces.
Five more posts...
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