The End Of 365 Days

I've thought a lot about what my final post would be.  I wanted it to be my own words, however, I find this quote touching my soul, and perfectly fitting.  I found it in a dream. 

“Wherever You Stand, Be The Soul Of That Place” – Rumi

Hope.

Wherever I am, I shall fill it with joy, and with the love of who I am.  In that, I will fill the space with my soul. I can only hope that others will find joy in that space where my soul is.  

Faith.

I have come to understand that it is not my soul work to force the happiness and joy in others.  I can only put my love in a space, and offer it to others to share; in time, in moments, in memories, and of course, in gratitude.  My hope is for those to whom I have offered my space, they feel my soul, and are, even if in some small way, comforted and know love.  I will have faith they will return to the space where my soul is once more. 

Believe.

There are spaces where my soul flows freely.  In the laughter of children, in hands I have held, in tears I have dried, in burdens I have carried to ease pain, I have stood.  There are soul friends I have chosen, kindred spirits my soul longs for.  My gratitude for the spaces we share shall never be bound by Earthly limitations.  And when I stand in a place, no longer on this plane, my soul shall dance with them for eternity.  

Live in gratitude, seek peace and brotherhood.  Practice kindness.  Above all else...

Love, love, love. 

Stillness Will Keep

Here it is... the second last post in this project. Just me and my lap top... clackity, clackity, clackity clack.

I'm starting to wonder what I am going to do when it's done. There's only one last post to be written in my 365 Days of Gratitude. Three hundred and sixty five posts of moments, all now memories, every one filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the experience, gratitude for the emotion, for the outlet.

And despite it all, the joy, the anger, the sorrow; hasn't it all just gone on? The sun, inevitably rose. The day, unequivocally ended. One after the other, promising forward movement, onward always - passing time, with or without us.

And so now I wonder what I will do with the whispers. What attention shall I pay them if not to share them? There isn't a day that goes by, catching a phrase, or a quote, or a contemplation of thought where I don't mull it over as to put it all in verse to make it make sense.

Tonight, I caught half a conversation, and words struck me, rang into my ears and tossed over in my mind, reaching for relatability - which, really, took next to no effort.

"She has a problem being still, like she feels like she always has to be doing something. Sometimes you just need to be with someone who can enjoy the stillness." 

Perhaps it's my time to be still... but I truly doubt it. But, is that me - ever moving, rarely satisfied with stillness? I welcome moments of stillness, but certainly not a lifetime of it. It is me ... ever moving, always advocating for something, struggling to make things right, to fix, to learn, to do, to change the world - even in some insignificant way. It will not be my stillness one day that is remembered, but the remarkable things I had no fear to do. Stillness will keep.

"So bring your best. Bring your love. Bring your fearless heart and your unbounded service. This is a good world if you let it be." (~Aaron Paquette~)

And so I shall, and with gratitude and with love, in search of a fearless heart, perhaps not always at my best, but ever striving for it, letting the world be good, needing to be remarkable.

And then there was one...

Having Faith

I have faith in people who have faith.  I am grateful for people who Believe; who believe in a power higher than themselves, who believe in better places than our physical Earth.  I am grateful for people who see hope in signs, who find comfort in prayer, and know, beyond all circumstances, it will all be okay.  My gratitude falls many days on people who carry that faith.  It makes my own faith come that much easier.

My hope is that my words are not mistaken.  My praise is not to door knockers or those filled with condemnation for those who speak with a different mind or voice.  My gratefulness lies with those who "do not drag the world kicking and screaming into a new awareness", yet quietly and simply do good for the sake of good, and know, inwardly, the rewards.

Without fail, there is always someone who reminds me.  And for the reminder not only to have faith, but to do good, I am grateful.  Hold fast to humanity on our physical Earth, and have Faith that our time is fleeting.

With Gratitude.

A Mother's Love

There is someone who knows my secrets, and hears me when I talk.

Her unconditional love is unmatched, no matter how challenged.

I aspire to be the mother she is.

She has saved me, more than once.



I sat, crumbled, in the middle of the floor, hugging the carpet like it was the last thing that was keeping me alive. It was wet from my tears, and I couldn’t stop the crying. The emotion poured out of me like a dam that had broken. I hadn’t found any use in getting dressed – since life, as I knew it, was over, and I was determined that I needn’t function in society. I had, decidedly, ruined my own life with my decisions, and this sadness was my punishment. I was worthy of this pain, and, if the floor opened up and swallowed me whole, well, that would be understandable- and welcome. I cried out grief, I cried out hurt, I cried out anger. Every emotion that the great Webster had defined and listed in his dictionary spewed out of me like an erupting volcano.

I saw myself there on the floor, wondering desperately who this broken girl was. Where had she come from, and how was she to survive this kind of sorrow? What choices had she made that were so detrimental as to leave her in this puddle on the floor, wishing all the world would just go away? Oh...but she knew very well. It was clear.

A light cracked into the room, a door pushed open, and a voice rang in my ears and saved my life. I would like to say that this was my defining moment with God. That his voice rang through my ears like a song, and the Holy light people speak of filled the room... but I was too angry with God, even then, to notice the gift he sent me. That voice wasn’t his at all, or not what I would have expected... “Get up!” it barked. “That’s enough...get up.” I sat up, startled really, at the interruption of my self destruction. I sat up, and stared into the bluest eyes I know. Eyes filled with love, and a necessary strictness that I know now, most likely, almost killed her... It may not have been the God...but it was my Mother.

“Get up off the floor. That’s quite enough. Look at yourself. It’s noon. You are not dressed, you look like hell, and I will not let you break. This is your life now. This is what you have chosen. It’s time to face it, and move forward. You get ONE day. One day to wallow, one day to cry. Your day is half over. Cry more if you must, but it’s not going to make the hurt stop- not right now. By the time I get back, you will be showered and dressed – and you will not be on the floor. You may crawl up in a blanket on the couch and lay there feeling sorry for yourself until the day is over. But when that sun rises tomorrow morning, that’s it....one foot in front of the other, and move forward."

And then... I got up off the floor.





I am grateful for my momma.

Some Beautiful Things Come From Broken Pieces

Some things I know how to fix.

And some things I don't.

And sometimes I get lost in the difference.

Once shattered, forever scarred, still beautiful.

Grateful.

Six And Then Five

I am down to the wire.  Six posts left, after this one, five.  I have been looking back a lot lately.  Not just at these past 359 posts, but on years, and reflecting on what I have been through, what I have learned, and where I want my life to go - what I want it to be.

Someone recently said to me "perhaps the lost one is now found".  The thing is, I feel like I've "been found" for a while now, but I've been changing my path to suit my surroundings, keeping myself from living in the "found", rambling around trying to let someone rescue me... and that's not me.

And so, here I stand, once again, at this cross roads, looking at the paths before me.  One of them is no longer the path less taken.  It's been walked.  It's been paced...and trampled down.  It's beaten and worn.  

There are several others in front of me if I look beyond the fear. Some familiar, some look like home.  Some edgy and dark, some new and untraveled.  And here I stand at the cross roads.

My posts have been sporadic of late.  I have been struggling with the gratitude, and putting it out there.  What  I have seen myself write is contradicting with my head, and my scarred heart screaming something else again.  It's like feeling too much, and not knowing anymore how much longer I can last.  I'm putting up walls to hold back tears.  I'm running out of emotion instead of running out on emotion.  It's no longer running away, it's choosing a direction and fighting head strong into the wind.

I am left unsure today of who wants to be part of my journey.  I am not certain of anything this morning.  I am standing at my crossroads very much alone, trying to find a way, listening to not much more than silence.  I am grateful for my own strength, knowing one of the paths ahead is filled with pain and hurt and broken pieces.

Five more posts...

I Learned...

Monday.

Ugh.

I am having a frustrated day.  Not frustrating, frustrated.  I am frustrated with life, and society, and parents.

I want to crawl back into bed so the rest of the world would just leave me alone.  My words are sharp, my patience is in short supply.  I want to write, but my own frustration is getting in my way.  So here I am.

Here I am.

Here I am, cultivating gratitude, remembering the blessings I have in my life, and things I have learned.

...learned...

After my weekend of tweenager traffic in my house, I have learned I am a better parent than many.  I have learned how lucky my children are, and that no matter how humiliating it may be to them, I will always, always care too much.

I also learned this weekend that my words of past feuds (for lack of better words today) have had a permanent impact - and for that I am not grateful.  I am very sorry that words said may have altered someone's thoughts.  I am going to take some steps to make this better - and for learning to do that, I am grateful.

I learned my children have beliefs of their own.  This is a hard one for me in many ways.  I always wanted my children to chose their own path, but I always had faith that they, well, would have faith. I admire their ability to learn and decipher and choose, and I am grateful for the free will I have instilled in them, but I must admit, I struggle...

I learned, for those who know what this means, that I am not the only one who cares so much, even when, perhaps, I shouldn't.  I have a gratitude for that not many would understand.

I learned that I am over-prepared for the worst - always.  Interesting.

Look at everything I learned... how could I not be grateful?  Even if it is Monday.

All Dressed Up & Snow Place To Go

Time together at the table, crafting the most adorable snowmen EVER; no games, no TV, no devices...just crafts.  Really, really adorable crafts. Grateful. 

All dressed up, and snow place to go... 

I Love You More

I love you more.

I say it all the time.  I love you more.

Not I love you more in the "no, I love you more...no, me...no, I love you...no, I love you more", want to throw up from the cavity inducing sweetness in my mouth, must be stuck mentally at fifteen, kind of way.  You're not hearing me right.

I love you more.

I love you more than I ever expected I was capable of.  I loved you yesterday, and days before.  And I don't just love you still; I love you more.

I love you more every day, in every smile.  I love you more for everything you are to me.  I love you more for every moment we share, for every single time the stars shine brighter because of who we are when we are together.  I love you more, you see.  I love you more, when you love me more.  And I know you do.

So every time I say it, every time I love you more, never think for one second that I am wrong.  It's just not possible.  I love you more.

More.

Grateful. ♥

Free Night

It's Monday.  Mondays are always busy, busy in our house, and oh my gosh, I cannot believe I have not posted about this before... it is truly one of my favorite things!

FREE NIGHT!

Monday is the night where, normally, I do not cook.  I am free of cooking, and everyone else is free to eat whatever they cook for themselves.

It started because of the busy schedule.  We all ended up throwing something together quickly, usually in between volunteering and lessons or a meeting etc.  I just didn't have time between after work mom-taxi and evening schedules to cook for everyone.  It turned out as a good lesson.  My family, on occasion has to rely on themselves.  They must cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, and most gratefully of all, they must not rely on me to get it done.  :)

It has been years since Free Night started, and as young teenagers, my children know how to cook and clean for themselves.  There is no sitting around waiting for someone to do it for you.  In fact, if on another night I am running like a chicken with it's head cut off, my kids will so wonderfully come into the kitchen and make my day by saying "free night?"  Heck yes.

Monday Free Night... Grateful!

...and for this one, every meal, if given the opportunity, would include corn on the cob... 

Selective Amnesia

I am having days where my thoughts run together.  They busy my mind.  They make me twisty.

I didn't ever know that someone could capture it quite as exactly as this beautiful artist did...and I am grateful.

Selective Amnesia - Ana Correal

Grateful for the talent of Ana Correal, grateful for the stories her art inspires me to write, and grateful for my own selective amnesia.  Some days, it's the only way I can bear myself. 

Intervention Prevention

Have you ever sat down to watch an episode of Intervention, and thought of how grateful you are that isn't your life?

Yeah....me too.

Intervention marathon today...grateful, grateful, grateful...

Time Doesn't Always Heal Wounds

There's part of me that wonders if this part of me will ever heal.  I don't even know how to describe it...  In fact, here I sit, staring at the screen, wondering how.

It's that piece that empties quickly.  That piece that is terrified all the time.  It's the piece that remembers what alone is like.  Really alone I mean.  Not the sit in a quiet place and have a glass of wine and soak it up for a bit alone, but the late at night, aching alone.

Aching.  Insecure, deep fear, close to panic, ache...

It's the result of the sudden end of things.  When you didn't see it coming, but when it was over, it was tragic. It's forever changing... and I mean that it changes you - forever, not in constant turn over, but the eternal soul imprint kind of way.  It's the attempt to remain.  The trying to mend the hole that keeps fraying and tearing like an over stretched sweater, and you keep pulling it closer and tighter, only to let more holes in.

Gah... rambling.  Alone.

I've done my share of leaving.  Part of me says maybe the open wound is my karmatic retribution for it.  The reasonable part of me, the faith filled part of me doesn't believe in karmatic hurt - only learning, and in the learning, healing.  And in the healing, cultivating gratitude.

And so here we are... seeking gratitude, fighting the ache, the fear, and the alone - without valid reason.

As I said, I wonder, often, if the fear ever heals.  Does anyone get this...at all?

Rambling with gratitude...

Like A Spa...But Not So Much.

Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just need ten minutes...

Or seven even.

To just sit, with no one asking anything of you.

Where not even the radio works.

Just sit.

That's right.

Grateful for the car wash.

And it smells good too. 

Like a spa, only not so much. 

Every Road Leads to Home

"I'll see you when I see you."

He never says good bye.

In love, and Grateful.

Remember

On eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, Faith of our Fathers, Band of our Brothers, remember why you have the freedom you have today. Be mindful, wear your heart on your sleeve, and love your country. ♥

With gratitude and the deepest respect. 

Sparkling Silence

As far as I can see is covered in snow.  This cold, heavy, lifeless snow.  I am stuck in frozen quiet.

I am stuck in sparkling, shimmering dust.

There are worse places I could be.

And so here I am... stuck in sparkling quiet.

Grateful?

Intuition

I made some decisions yesterday by following my gut.  Feeling my way through it, trusting in myself.  I held the thing in my hands, rolled it around, examined the nicks, let it shine for a bit, followed my heart, and let it roll.

Turned out pretty good.

Grateful for intuition, for no else decides my fate.

Too Close

Yesterday, I was one second and literally inches away from a very serious car accident.  I actually cringed as I watched, almost in slow motion, a truck stop inches from my drivers side door, sure I was about to be in the most pain I had ever felt in my life.  It was a surreal moment.  The world slowed, and my reaction doubled.

You see, as I watched it all, somehow, my body knew to put my foot to the floor, pressing the gas pedal to get me out of the way.  It was like dodging a bullet in The Matrix.  I could see every second of all three that could have changed my life.  One more second... it makes the hair on my body stand on end, my temperature cools, and my thoughts flash.

I went to bed last night giving gratitude to God for being alive, for being unscathed, for being, for no fathomable reason - out of the way.  I woke up this morning, still giving gratitude for waking up in my bed.  I was grateful to put on my clothes, to wake up children, to make my breakfast and to venture out again this morning.  I spent countless moments in appreciation.

For every angel that got me out of the way; for every guardian that wrapped it's arms around me, for every essence of Creator that held that moment - the utmost gratitude seethes out of my being.

In thinking of it all, something else became quite clear to me...I am meant for something still to come.  There are important things I have left to do that are going to change lives.

I am a huge believer in the theory "when it's your time, it's your time".  It's not my time.  I am far from done.  Creator held a moment.  I will not take that for granted.  Ever.

With a life filled with gratitude...

And love.

p.s... Gram - I know you were there.  Thank you.

Watching Water Drops

Today was one of those "whole lotta not much" days.  Busy with little things, and moments of quiet things.

And sometimes, the moments of quiet things, where the rest of world goes silent, make all the difference in the perspective of one's day.  Like water drops rolling off the leaves in a warming day.  Grateful.