A long time ago, which sometimes seems like just yesterday, and in the perspective of things, really wasn't that long ago after all, I decided to make a conscious effort to be a better person. I decided to change the path my life was on, explore by beliefs, my thoughts, my hopes and fears. I decided I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror and be OK with what I saw. At the time, I thought this wouldn't be such a difficult skill to master. Boy was I wrong.
Being a person that can admire themselves for who they are is hard! It is taking someone you were for so long, and shutting them away. Like the cousin you don't want to admit you are actually related to. Do I know whom? That girl? Noooooooo... I don't even know who she is.
Conquering the shame of being someone you couldn't stand is the hardest part. The second hardest part is fighting regression. The third battle, I find, is ambition.
First of all, I am grateful for always wanting to be better than I was the day before. Secondly, I am truly grateful for the person I have become. I am grateful for the perseverance through dark times to remain kind, strive to be reasonable, and to remain an optimist. No matter what happens today, the sun will rise up tomorrow - and there's not even a chance of stopping it. That is one of Earth's finest elements in which my gratitude is born.
I often find myself drifting towards wanting to be better. Be more stylish, be thinner, be healthier, be more assertive, be more, be more, be more. When is more enough? Will it ever be? I have finally conquered the hurdle of trying to be enough for someone else. I have attained a state of motherhood I am proud of. Now it's time to work on being enough for me.
The question is, where to proceed, and with what? Which track, which car, which train? Maybe my map has been upside down the whole way...who can I ask about that?
Hmmm...this blog didn't even go anywhere near it's expected destination... another day, maybe. I am tired of being bored. All aboard...
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