Write On

Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, I wrote some books.  I went through a complicated process, and got two published.  It was all very exciting.  Then, with those two books, I did a book signing at Chapters.  Because of the nature of Noah's Star, there were news crews, cameras, journalists, and a lot of people.  I fulfilled not only a goal, but a life dream.  The End.

Short story, no?

After the euphoria of the experience dissipated, I was left with an unexpected question for myself... "Now what?".  What does one do after they have achieved their life goal at 33 years old?  It was all very stunning to me.  I felt as if I had nothing left to achieve.  I wanted to publish a book, and I did.  I wanted to have a book signing at Chapters, and I did that too.  And now I have two thirds of my life left, and very few life achievement goals.  So now what?  I am still trying to find the answers.

I started searching avenues of new publishers, Canadian publishers that may make the marketing process a little easier, and more tangible.  It was frustrating, and discouraging, and very disheartening.  Publishing a book is not an easy task.  People always ask for my advice, and usually it's less than what they wanted to hear.  People think getting a book published is easy.  They are wrong.  My own struggles were enough to deter me from continuing and stopped me from writing children's book all together.  It took the joy out of writing.

And so, now I write only for those people who wish to read it, and take something away from it - even if it is just to enjoy the words of another human being.  I find it grounding, and therapeutic, and I look forward to knowing that people read it, and enjoy it.  I am grateful for the return of my love for writing over the past few months.

Last night, as I tried to drift to sleep, words started to fill my head.  Sentences grew like voices on a play ground, and I knew the inevitable outcome.  It happens every time.

Today, after many years of failed attempts, and of beautiful moments where my children were smarter than I, I accomplished a new book.  A new book for them, a new book for me.  A new book for families, and broken hearts, and I am grateful for that as well.  I am hoping for the sweet grace of courage to nudge me towards a publisher again.  I know this one needs to be on the shelf.  For every child of a separated family, this one's for you.

If you would like to read it, I will post it at the bottom here.  If not, that's ok too.

Love and light my friends, and as always, I shall write on.

I Didn’t Decide

( Jennifer Marcotte 2012)

I didn’t decide.

And it’s not ok.  I didn’t decide.

This is my life, and sometimes, I think it’s unfair, because it’s not what I decided.

I used to hear them argue, and it was dark, and I was supposed to be asleep, but I wasn’t because I couldn’t .  I was afraid, and it made my muscles tight, and my heart beat fast, and I just wanted them to stop. 

And sometimes in the morning, it would be ok.  But not.  Not the same.  But maybe it would be ok, and everything would be normal again. 

He was nice to her today, and she smiled, and she was nice to him, and he smiled.  Maybe they decided to try harder to be nicer.  I decided that was better. 

He went outside, “for a walk”, he decided.  I could hear her in the hallway, even though she decided to close the door, probably so I wouldn’t hear.  But that’s not what I decided.  I opened the door, and sat quiet with her, and just held her hand, because she’s my mom, and nothing else mattered except her tears...and that’s because I decided. 

I decided that I don’t want to be ten, if this is what ten is all about.  Everyone else is deciding, and I just want to be a kid in a family that isn’t broken.  I just want them to stop it.

Did I decide that?  For them to stop it?  Because now, dad is moving to a new house, and we have to be apart, because that’s what they decided was best – and this is not what I decided at all.  I didn’t mean it.  I didn’t decide this.

Mom is sad, and we are sad, and Dad is sad.  Who decided this?

And then some time went by, and so much was different.   There were two houses, and I decided, mostly, it wasn’t that bad.  I decided that I wasn’t so different from everyone else, because there were other kids had two houses too.   And I wasn’t the only one that didn’t get to decide.  I decided that no more arguing was better than arguing, and smiles were better than tears.  And if parents have to be apart to be happy, well, I decided that I still don’t understand it, but maybe I will one day.  I still wonder if this is what they meant to decide. 

I still hear mom behind the door down the hall sometimes, but she taught me that I am a kid, and I don’t have to fix their decisions, and I decided that was ok with me.  And I decided that sometimes I can, and sometimes, I decide to still hold her hand, so she knows that sometimes it’s ok if I try.  Because that’s what I decided. 

Dad takes us fishing and to the go carts, and camping, and we have fun together now.  I decided I like that – a lot.  I wonder if Mom knows how fun he is.  I still don’t understand why it couldn’t be like this before.  Maybe I’ll decide to ask one day.  But not today. 

Mom decided that we should celebrate being a team, just us, because she says “we will always be part of each other”, and I decided I like that a lot, too.  Sometimes, she just decides we should go somewhere, and we do, and she smiles all the time.  I think her smile is incredible.  I wonder if dad used to think her smile was incredible.  I wonder if she ever knew.  I wonder if this all will make sense when I am thirteen.

Everything changes, all the time.   I don’t always get to decide, but more and more, as time carried on, they started to ask my opinion, and sometimes when I can, I get to decide.  I decided that I like to decide – when I can. 

Sometimes it’s easier to not be the one deciding all the time.  I decided, that maybe, my parents felt that way once – that they were tired of always being the ones deciding.  And so they stopped.

Now, we all choose to try to be happy in our new lives.  We have all decided that smiles are better than tears, and laughter is better than anger.  Mom and Dad decided to try to be friends, so that my decisions wouldn’t be so hard all the time, and I decided that was very grown up of them.  Maybe one day, I will decide to be as grown up as them, but, for right now, I decided I like being a kid, even if I didn’t decide it all.