Letters From The Other Side

I have thinking a lot about death lately.  Not so much the act of dying, but the aftermath.  Perhaps it's all the people I see around me, leaving the Earth at an early time, or even in experiencing life after the "unsaid".  And, no, I, myself, am not ill, and I certainly have no plans on leaving this Earth anytime before my ninety or hundred something birthday. Don't panic people!  But, beyond my control, I often wonder, if I were gone tomorrow, would I have said all the things I needed to say?  As I type this, I can hear the words of "If Tomorrow Never Comes" and I actually giggled.

I have been thinking for a while now, probably too long of a time to have let it fall to the wayside, that I have things that I want people to know.  I have things to say, and things I need to make sure people know when I no longer occupy space on Earth.  I have letters to write, the kind of letters that make you hide away for a weekend with no distractions just to write them.

When I was in junior high, our teacher handed out homework for our parents.  They were asked to write us a letter about our birth, and our childhood, and words of wisdom for us.  I would have never imagined the impact that one letter would have on my life.  I read it then, and cried.  I read it often for years afterwards, and I cried.  I read it today, and I cry.  I don't know that I understood the extent of my mother's love until I read that letter.  I want the same for my children.  I have promised myself to sit down and write a letter to them, so they can understand the capacity of my love for them.

I have a long list of letters... my children, my parents, my husband, some close friends, and even my former husband.  My question, I guess, is - does one wait to have the letters distributed until it's too late for the things that have been said to be said? Does one actually take a risk of the crack that may open up in a wall, or even more dangerous, her heart, to actually distribute them now... that's a lot of fear for me.  A fear, I think, I have to conquer.  I don't want it to be too late - ever.

The more I think about it, perhaps that what has me so unbalanced, unable to focus, and feeling so jarred up with my emotions.  I have things to say... and when I am gone, maybe someone will say, "I am grateful she never left things unsaid".