Sadie told me a story today about teaching Kali how to "self soothe" and put herself to sleep. She says she's crying just as much as the baby in this process, and just wants to hold her. My opinion, which I am entitled to share because, well, it's my blog, you will all read here, and discounts most of what books and new fangled doctors tell you in our fast, fast world.
My son was three months old when I went back to work. I was not afforded the opportunity to stay home with him. But for the time I did have in my schedule, and every night, I savored every moment of him being small enough to hold. I rocked him to sleep every night. I would watch his eyes close, I would listen to his peaceful breath, and match it with my own. I would run my fingers over his, and marvel in just how wonderful he was. I would run my hand through his baby soft hair, and giggle at his pouty lips while he slept. My husband would come when he was asleep, and offer to take him and put him down in bed. More often than not, my answer was "not yet". Not yet...
When I had my daughter, I looked forward to doing the same with her. Much to my dismay, she hated being held when trying to fall asleep, and preferred the quiet of her crib. My rocking moments, and having her fall asleep in my arms were rare. And, in a captured time when she did allow me the peaceful moment of laying with me, my answer to giving it up was always "not yet". Not yet...
My precious babies are now almost 11 and 13, and I don't get those moments anymore. My kids don't fall asleep in my arms. I don't watch them as they sleep, I don't get to match their peaceful breath. I don't get to hold them so close to me that our hearts beat at the same time. They grew up in a blink, and, I, very often, I feel like I missed it. When there is a night where one of them is in a cuddly mood, and perhaps in my lap, or in the same chair at bed time, I am guilty, from time to time, to whispering "not yet". And when it's bed time, and they say "awwww not yet..." I am grateful. I am grateful they want to be near me. I need that. I need time to slow down, and I need a few "not yet"s still.
So, my sweet Mercedes, when someone tells you to let her cry, and not pick her up, you go ahead and tell them "not yet". There's plenty of time for her to be alone, and she's allowed to have her mommy hold her while you can. I'm sure her soul cries "not yet" once in a while, just like yours. Hold tight to your moments, and take every "not yet" that you can. I would give up a lot to have those peaceful moments back, holding my child in my arms, having our heart beats match - because once, we were one.
One day you will have to let go, but Not Yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment